Note: the following is a fictitous letter sent by a
Cheap Inspector to his new client.

Inexpensive Inspections Company

The Leader in Low Prices

321-Get Lost Blvd.

Gone In The Wind, NY 00000

Dear Cherished Client,

Thank you for hiring our company. We look forward to saving you lots of money compared to all other inspection companies that quoted you a price.

In response to your inquiry as to how we can charge so much less than everyone else, I welcome the opportunity to explain. Unlike most of our competitors, we don't believe in paying top dollar to our employees. There are so many wanna-be-inspectors out there looking for work these days, that it's easy to find someone desperate enough to work for much less than they're worth. If they complain we just get rid of them and find a replacement in a couple days. Most of the work required for your inspection can be done by an inspector with very little skills. In fact if you care to, you can do part of the inspection yourself. If you do I could save you even more money. If anything complicated does arise, that's what I'm here for. It may take me a few days to get around to getting to your job, but heck with all the money I'm saving you I'm sure that you won't mind the wait. Please realize that tending to your concerns might involve forgoing my usual liquid lunch, so I sure hope it's important.

Another thing is, we know how to minimize the importance of paperwork and procedures. Most rules and regulations don't make much sense anyway. For instance, everyone knows that hardly anyone gets caught adding an illegal room to their home without a permit, or unlicensed contractor to do the work. The money that we save by avoiding these issues saves you money. We also save you money and shorten the inspection time by ignoring building codes and building standards whereever we can. Standards do nothing more but jack-up the price of a home.

Insurance is another area that we realize a really big savings. Our ladder couldn't possibly fall off a house and injure someone and we could never damage your house, so why pay big bucks for General Liability Inurance? Regarding that expensive Errors and Ommissions Insurance (similar to the kind that Real Estate Brokers,Engineers, attorneys and other professionals carry), why should we be responsible for something obvious that we overlooked and didn't report? And why should we pay extra for insuring the referring agent? At our prices we get all the referrals anyway. How many inspections do you hear about that there is an insurance payoff? Insurance is just money down the drain. If something goes terribly wrong you can always sue us, what more protection do you need?

Want to know another secret? We cleverly save you money by not paying our bills. Our company  has accounts with about a dozen supply houses around town and we never pay for supplies unless we absolutely have to. If one of our suppliers cuts us off I simply take our valued business to another supplier, and go through the same routine. It's a game that sharp inspectors have refined to an art form. Aren't you lucky to have your inspection performed by an artist.

Another thing that seperates us from the pack is that we are not hung up on safety issues. Accidents will happen, why bother trying to prevent them? Safety equipment and procedures only slow you down so we don't use them. this also saves you money.

I'm sure that when you called me, you reached my answering machine, not some secretary costing a lot of money. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you, but that's the price you pay for saving money!

Have you noticed our vehicles are rundown, our clothes shoddy and our equipment is falling apart? Our reports are handwritten one page checklist reports. Our philosiphy is to make due with whatever we have no matter how bad it may look. Thats's another reason that we can charge you so much less. Why carry a computer and a digital camera? They are expensive and only slow us down, leaving us less time to talk with the sellers, agent or the neighbors. We are also able to save you money because we can perform from 15 to 20 inspections a day. Have you ever heard of the volume concept? Since we encourage our clients to be present at the inspection, you will only have to miss about 30 minutes from work. Your boss will be very happy about that!

We don't waste money on assosciation dues and frequent educational seminars like our big bucks competitors. Between cost of memberships of certifying organizations like NACHI etc. and memberships into local realtor assosciations, those guys spend $1500.- $2000. per year, just to get certified and to hang out at real estate meetings. Heck, we don't even bother getting licensed. Remember, most rules and regulations don't make any sense. Why pay to join a national certifying organization which would then require us to inspect to their standards and abide by their code of ethics. The prices of their mandatory educational seminars keep going up every year, even though we in the inspection business know that nothing ever changes much. I've been in the business 20 years and I've learned everything in the first couple years. If it was good enough for my daddy and grandaddy it is good enough for you! All these savings I pass on to you, our client.

By the way, did I mention that we guarantee our work? Just make sure you find what's wrong before we finish the home inspection, because at the prices that we charge, we can't afford any call-backs.

Thank You again for hiring us to do your home inspection. We're happy being the lowest bidder, and we're sure you got your money's worth.

Sincerely,

Your Cheap Home Inspector

This informational parody has been provided by: Gotham Home Inspection Services.

To schedule an inspection call - (718) 360-1868

Do you want someone to just look around, or do you want a Professional Home Inspection?

Either way you get exactly what you pay for!

Author of this piece is unknown and was provided via email